I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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