I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
