you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
