If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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