Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
