An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize