she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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