...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
