do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
