Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
