Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
