Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
