Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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