a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sponge bath it is.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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