the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
