At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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