hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
