i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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