I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
