just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
