i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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