Where is the hickey?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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