Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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