i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
