paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
