i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She bit a glass in half.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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