OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
