An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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