yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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