drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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