you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
