This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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