So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
