I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
