woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
no you cant smoke seaweed
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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