mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
