Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
