i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
