If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
