Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize