Church boner. Awkwardddd
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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