i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Tell her she can't have a vagina
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
don't judge my taste in strippers
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
