Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
