You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
