my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
