Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
