I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He did a backflip because drugs
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
