Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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