Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
