I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
