You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
