if i can run in heels then i can drive
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
