I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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