i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize