yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Randomize
