he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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